Mastering Marriage Hardcover Edition
I read the book as the director of an Air Force base Family Support Center and a volunteer family life educator at a Methodist Church. I was looking for a resource to use with short (1 to 1 1/2 hours) classes. This book fits my needs for the following reasons:
1. It is easy to understand. Couples can take it home as homework. Many publications are much too complex and scientific; this one is not.
2. One topic builds on the other. Once the entire book is completed, one will have a broad understanding of a successful relationship.
3. The design and chapter designations makes it possible to design classes. Examples are realistic and practical; cartoons enhance understanding. However, couples should be able to use the book on their own.
4. The Emotional Prenuptial is a brilliant idea. It is also extremely thorough. In fact, it could be overwhelming to a young couple. You may suggest that they complete it over a period of time and discuss it in segments. I’d also recommend young couples review it and possibly negotiate changes six months after the initial agreement. At that point, the honeymoon period will be starting to wane.
5. For military couples, I suggest a separate section dealing with situations unique to that lifestyle. Issues like long separations due to deployments and remote assignments, often with short notice; frequent relocations; relocations to overseas bases or parts of the US that the spouse may not find desirable; decisions to live on or off base; agreeing to military medical care; necessity for spouse to put his/her career on hold or as secondary; missing holidays with family; etc. There are many issues a spouse must be aware of and learn to accept, or life will be miserable for both.
6. My book did not include Clues 8 -16. I had two sets of pages 1 - 78 and then it skipped to page 127. I could not review the chapters on money, a common problem for our families; but the prenuptial covered this so thoroughly, I’m sure the clues are helpful.
I love the book! I think it will be helpful to family life educators, marriage and family counselors, clergy, and social workers. Anyone who works with couples can utilize all or some part of this publication. I’d like to see states pass a law that all couples must complete the prenuptial before they receive a marriage license.
Theresa Gardiner, M.Ed, CFLE, NCCAltus, OK
“I enjoyed the book and feel it has great tips and applications for couples seeking to improve their marriage. I like the cover and graphics and the author’s use of self disclosure, especially because it added a personal element unlike many other books of this sort. Charlie and Mike come across as human and approachable and their advice is solid and easy to apply. The ‘I pick you’, not refusing sex and the marriage pact were the main things I will remember and take forward to my own terrific relationship with my wife Grace, as well as to my work with couples as a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist. Thank you for putting your heart into this effort. It comes across as genuine and I know it will help many couples and their families!”
Blessings,
Brad Nowlin, LCMFT
http://www.bradnowlin.com/
This was a delightful and easy read for me. I found the layout appealing which enhanced the reading for me. Your quotes were well selected & exceptional! Freebies? What a great ideal. Some helpful resources given unselfishly, made easy for the reader as an extension of both of you.
Here is what I offer:
· Your story is refreshing. It is about time we read of a couple who have persevered in marriage to share their life, love and tips that are practical for any couple. You can sense how happy you two are with each other and the business of marriage. I hear very clearly you saying, "I am married and proud of it."
· Your use of questions & questionnaires are great mapping techniques that will stir the need for active communication which should promote in-depth dialogue between couples. Very heartfelt and challenging questions, if anyone is serious about their marriage, if they work the questions they will plant deep roots toward longevity.
· Very useful book, I find it will serve well in counseling and teaching on healthy relationships. You seem to cultivate a positive environment for marriage while fostering hope for communities to do the same.
· I love the aspiration you bring to the closing of this fine book. I read a story of love born, bonded and boundless. Congratulations on a literary work well done.
Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts. Much success!
Pamela Hudson, M.A.
Co-author, HELP! for Your Leadership
Detroit, MI
This book is just chock-full of practical, doable suggestions. It gives helpful steps of action without trying to dissect the whys of bad behavior. It’s positive, strengths-oriented and readable again and again.
A lay resource leader or professional counselor could easily teach classes using this great material!
The cover is attractive but feels like many others. Need something more 21st C.
I like the format – very reader friendly.
Design and mission is clear – no pretense, very positive right from the beginning. Clear language.
Should be a great sell at Smart Marriage conferences.
Like the simplicity of short chapters – doesn’t try to be clinical.
Great quotes.
I loved the marriage pact (I’ve been talking to my clients about expectations).
Despite lively and encouraging tone, it’s well-written.
Disagree with chapter 6 on power.
Chapter 7 – think there are deeper issues (but recognize you have indicated that’s not your purpose.)
Chapter 8 – great!
Barbara Nedderman, LPC
Book Review: Mastering Marriage
Charlie Michaels and Mike Brown, Authors
Dr. Beth Wilson, CFCS, CFLE
Professor and Chair
Department of Family and Consumer Sciences
Harding University
Searcy, AR 72143
The clearly stated mission of the book is noble and worthwhile. It should appeal to all couples and professionals. The book accomplishes the mission by setting forth insightful, inspirational quotes coupled with clues. Although not intended as a research-based book, the clues are clearly consistent with research evidence of the characteristics of strong marriages. Cartoons are effective in getting key messages across to the reader. Adding a touch of humor is valuable for couples seeking to build stronger marriages.
The dedication of the book instills confidence in the reader as well as authenticity in content. The authors express gratitude to those who have contributed to the book as well as to their marriage. A tribute to a former spouse and their mate adds credibility to their passion to improve relationships and to accept responsibility for mistakes of the past. It sets a tone that is positive and upbeat.
The book is very easy to read and understand. The clues and concepts provide direction for couples who are clearly seeking to improve their relationship. Appropriate examples are given that guide the application process. Any couple seeking a stronger marriage that is more loving can use the book without the need for interaction with others. However, the book will accomplish its purpose only if both parties in the marriage or prospective marriage are committed to the process. Although the book is an excellent guide, it can not replace the fundamental dedication and hard work required to make it happen. The book will not bring instant happiness or success without daily practice—the authors make this clear but it is up to the readers to make it happen.
Family life educators as well as other marriage professionals will find this book very useful. It could be a very good foundation for pre-marital education or the early stages of marriage. For use with pre-marital education or engaged couples, I believe it would be better to give more emphasis to sexual abstinence until marriage as well as not cohabiting.
The Marriage Pact Questionnaire is an exceptional tool to help couples who are seriously dating, engaged, or married to get to know each other better including assumptions, myths, needs and desires. Although lengthy, I agree with the authors—it is worthwhile in setting the relationship on a firm foundation for success.
I highly recommend the book to both professional and consumer audiences. I will personally add it to my list of recommended books for my college students.
As a parish pastor I always give gift books on marriage to my wedding couples. I also gift couples who are at various stages of married life and who are being challenged with certain issues in their marriages. Thus, I keep my eyes open to new books which are up to date, practical and easy to read. Mastering Marriage will now be on my resource and gift list. I appreciate the Brown's honesty about their own journey which encourages a foundation of hope for other couples. The read truely is easy, understandable and practical. I also enjoyed the cartoons with a message that began each chapter. They are a "soft start up" that entices the reader to continue reading. And, I enjoyed the personal quotes from others who have insights about marriage. The famous and not-so-famous all have something in common within our marriages.
Thank you for your efforts to help our country's marriages. Dean Natterstad
Rev. Dean M. Natterstad, M.Ed., M.Div, Clinical Member AAMFT
Mastering Marriage Book Review
I must admit that when I first started reading Mastering Marriage, I was annoyed by what I perceived as its preachy approach and the arrogance of the authors in believing that what works for them should work for everyone. "You’re going to be so happy you picked up this book", it proclaimed, implying that a couple’s most deeply entrenched problems could go away if only they followed in this couples’ footsteps. As a therapist and psychologist in training who emphasizes couples work, I have read many excellent books about marriage, and I tend to personally value those focused on sound research. I know that repairing a troubled marriage can be very difficult, and doesn't always boil down neatly to applying a few new marital techniques. Also, with so many books out there, I wondered what new insights these authors could bring to the field.
As I continued to read, I gained greater respect for the wisdom contained in this book. True, some of the advice continued to strike me as overly simplistic, and my biggest ongoing critique was that many of the tips and tools seemed tailored to the personalities of the authors and the way they had structured their marriage. I have personally been married for 15 years, and my husband and I have established many ways of handling problems and situations that work well for us, but I know that these solutions won’t always apply to another couple. Nevertheless, there were many ideas presented in the book that are more readily generalizable and, if applied, would provide a solid foundation for marital happiness. A few of these are ideas that I have never seen directly discussed in any book on marriage. The best example of this was the chapter "Trading Faces", which advocates continuing to be, when married, the person you presented yourself as while dating. How many marriages could be improved if people would follow this advice? Too often couples put on a show throughout courtship, only to be hurt or surprised when their partners do not wholly embrace the "real" them once they have reverted back to their true selves. Michaels and Brown discuss throughout the book the importance of genuineness and really getting to know one another before marriage, which is, I agree, essential to a happy union. But the concept I particularly valued was the idea that couples owe one another fidelity, honesty, and fairness, and that it is not fair to pretend to be something you’re not and then refuse to be that person after marriage. This was, for me, the most profound insight of the book, and I can’t remember ever seeing it in writing before Mastering Marriage.
As I read, I also gained appreciation for the accessible style in which Mastering Marriage is written. Whereas clients might be disinclined to wade through the verbose, research-oriented tomes that I enjoy as a therapist, anyone could grasp the concepts presented by Michaels and Brown. Chapters were extremely short, often no more than a couple of pages, and the counsel presented was straight-forward and well-illustrated with powerful personal examples. Using the first part of the book, a couple could easily work on changing one small thing at a time. This would help them circumvent the discouragement that people often feel when they learn all they are doing wrong and believe they must overhaul their entire relationship to be happy. Many of these small changes could have significant positive effects on marital quality. The last section of the book is devoted to creating a marriage pact, and this would certainly be much more time consuming and difficult to apply. For a couple willing to put in the work, however, it would no doubt be useful. I found that section particularly beneficial for couples contemplating marriage.
Finally, I appreciated the authors’ motivation for writing the book. They seem genuinely interested in helping couples, which no doubt accounts for their dogmatism in wanting people to apply what has worked for them. They offer the complete text of the book free of charge on their website, and offer many other resources for couples as well. It was obvious while reading the book that it was a labor of love, not motivated by profit, which helped the reader feel more deeply connected with the ideas of the book. It often felt as I was reading that Michaels and Brown were interested in me personally. In contrast with the unstable and tumultuous state of many modern marriages, it was refreshing to read the stories of a couple who are truly happy together, and just want everyone else to have what they have. I hope that, after reading and applying Mastering Marriage, a few more will.
Heather Smith, M.S.
Therapist; Doctoral candidate in Counseling Psychology
Brighton, Colorado
1. It is easy to understand. Couples can take it home as homework. Many publications are much too complex and scientific; this one is not.
2. One topic builds on the other. Once the entire book is completed, one will have a broad understanding of a successful relationship.
3. The design and chapter designations makes it possible to design classes. Examples are realistic and practical; cartoons enhance understanding. However, couples should be able to use the book on their own.
4. The Emotional Prenuptial is a brilliant idea. It is also extremely thorough. In fact, it could be overwhelming to a young couple. You may suggest that they complete it over a period of time and discuss it in segments. I’d also recommend young couples review it and possibly negotiate changes six months after the initial agreement. At that point, the honeymoon period will be starting to wane.
5. For military couples, I suggest a separate section dealing with situations unique to that lifestyle. Issues like long separations due to deployments and remote assignments, often with short notice; frequent relocations; relocations to overseas bases or parts of the US that the spouse may not find desirable; decisions to live on or off base; agreeing to military medical care; necessity for spouse to put his/her career on hold or as secondary; missing holidays with family; etc. There are many issues a spouse must be aware of and learn to accept, or life will be miserable for both.
6. My book did not include Clues 8 -16. I had two sets of pages 1 - 78 and then it skipped to page 127. I could not review the chapters on money, a common problem for our families; but the prenuptial covered this so thoroughly, I’m sure the clues are helpful.
I love the book! I think it will be helpful to family life educators, marriage and family counselors, clergy, and social workers. Anyone who works with couples can utilize all or some part of this publication. I’d like to see states pass a law that all couples must complete the prenuptial before they receive a marriage license.
Theresa Gardiner, M.Ed, CFLE, NCCAltus, OK
“I enjoyed the book and feel it has great tips and applications for couples seeking to improve their marriage. I like the cover and graphics and the author’s use of self disclosure, especially because it added a personal element unlike many other books of this sort. Charlie and Mike come across as human and approachable and their advice is solid and easy to apply. The ‘I pick you’, not refusing sex and the marriage pact were the main things I will remember and take forward to my own terrific relationship with my wife Grace, as well as to my work with couples as a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist. Thank you for putting your heart into this effort. It comes across as genuine and I know it will help many couples and their families!”
Blessings,
Brad Nowlin, LCMFT
http://www.bradnowlin.com/
This was a delightful and easy read for me. I found the layout appealing which enhanced the reading for me. Your quotes were well selected & exceptional! Freebies? What a great ideal. Some helpful resources given unselfishly, made easy for the reader as an extension of both of you.
Here is what I offer:
· Your story is refreshing. It is about time we read of a couple who have persevered in marriage to share their life, love and tips that are practical for any couple. You can sense how happy you two are with each other and the business of marriage. I hear very clearly you saying, "I am married and proud of it."
· Your use of questions & questionnaires are great mapping techniques that will stir the need for active communication which should promote in-depth dialogue between couples. Very heartfelt and challenging questions, if anyone is serious about their marriage, if they work the questions they will plant deep roots toward longevity.
· Very useful book, I find it will serve well in counseling and teaching on healthy relationships. You seem to cultivate a positive environment for marriage while fostering hope for communities to do the same.
· I love the aspiration you bring to the closing of this fine book. I read a story of love born, bonded and boundless. Congratulations on a literary work well done.
Thanks for allowing me to share my thoughts. Much success!
Pamela Hudson, M.A.
Co-author, HELP! for Your Leadership
Detroit, MI
This book is just chock-full of practical, doable suggestions. It gives helpful steps of action without trying to dissect the whys of bad behavior. It’s positive, strengths-oriented and readable again and again.
A lay resource leader or professional counselor could easily teach classes using this great material!
The cover is attractive but feels like many others. Need something more 21st C.
I like the format – very reader friendly.
Design and mission is clear – no pretense, very positive right from the beginning. Clear language.
Should be a great sell at Smart Marriage conferences.
Like the simplicity of short chapters – doesn’t try to be clinical.
Great quotes.
I loved the marriage pact (I’ve been talking to my clients about expectations).
Despite lively and encouraging tone, it’s well-written.
Disagree with chapter 6 on power.
Chapter 7 – think there are deeper issues (but recognize you have indicated that’s not your purpose.)
Chapter 8 – great!
Barbara Nedderman, LPC
Thank you very much for writing this book. I have enjoyed reading it.
I found it easy to read.
I especially liked the use of so many quotes that were specific to the point you were making.
I appreciate a quality book from non-therapists.
I liked the plain language used.
I disagree with your position on never saying no to sex, but appreciate your point of view. I would have much preferred you using the word "pleasure" more.
I will put this book on my Bibliography list that I give to many of my clients.
Thank you for your contribution.
Dell Tyson, LPC, LMFTFresh Roots Family CenterRogers, AR.
As marriage educators, we appreciate finding books that we can recommend as helpful and practical resources for people we coach to have happy, lasting marriages. Mastering Marriage is easy to read, full of helpful gems of wisdom, and spiced with humor and honesty.
~Susanne M. Alexander and Craig A. Farnsworth, Marriage Transformation LLC, Cleveland, Ohio, USA, co-authors of Pure Gold: Encouraging Character Qualities in Marriage
The parts I've made notes of to use in workshops and with couples include:
-Mindreading, p. 78
-Questions to ask to avoid conflict, p. 85
-Creating unity around money, p. 87 [ I liked the encouragement to be thrifty too, which we are working on!]
- Memories, p. 115 [We open our workshops with married couples by having them remember and share a positive memory; this is a technique we developed after reading Divorce Busters. I'm thinking I might read a piece of yours this times... the title is more upbeat!]
- The content is very applicable for couples approaching marriage and in marriage.
- It read easilly.
- It would be easy and beneficial to apply most everything. We recommend to couples to do extensive pre-marriage work, as do you. Many choose not to. But we are engaged together in culture change! Right?!
- I think couples could easily use the book on their own.
- As professionals, we share pieces of books in workshops, in client coaching, as well as using quotes in our books.... Mastering Marriage will be one of the books we share.
With love and best wishes .... Susanne
Susanne M. AlexanderMarriage Transformation Project
mailto:rojectsusanne@marriagetransformation.com
mail to: Projectsusanne@marriagetransformation.com
www.marriagetransformation.com; 216-383-9943
Inspiration: www.marriagetransformation.com/movieVisit our online store today!
Book Review: Mastering Marriage
Charlie Michaels and Mike Brown, Authors
Dr. Beth Wilson, CFCS, CFLE
Professor and Chair
Department of Family and Consumer Sciences
Harding University
Searcy, AR 72143
The clearly stated mission of the book is noble and worthwhile. It should appeal to all couples and professionals. The book accomplishes the mission by setting forth insightful, inspirational quotes coupled with clues. Although not intended as a research-based book, the clues are clearly consistent with research evidence of the characteristics of strong marriages. Cartoons are effective in getting key messages across to the reader. Adding a touch of humor is valuable for couples seeking to build stronger marriages.
The dedication of the book instills confidence in the reader as well as authenticity in content. The authors express gratitude to those who have contributed to the book as well as to their marriage. A tribute to a former spouse and their mate adds credibility to their passion to improve relationships and to accept responsibility for mistakes of the past. It sets a tone that is positive and upbeat.
The book is very easy to read and understand. The clues and concepts provide direction for couples who are clearly seeking to improve their relationship. Appropriate examples are given that guide the application process. Any couple seeking a stronger marriage that is more loving can use the book without the need for interaction with others. However, the book will accomplish its purpose only if both parties in the marriage or prospective marriage are committed to the process. Although the book is an excellent guide, it can not replace the fundamental dedication and hard work required to make it happen. The book will not bring instant happiness or success without daily practice—the authors make this clear but it is up to the readers to make it happen.
Family life educators as well as other marriage professionals will find this book very useful. It could be a very good foundation for pre-marital education or the early stages of marriage. For use with pre-marital education or engaged couples, I believe it would be better to give more emphasis to sexual abstinence until marriage as well as not cohabiting.
The Marriage Pact Questionnaire is an exceptional tool to help couples who are seriously dating, engaged, or married to get to know each other better including assumptions, myths, needs and desires. Although lengthy, I agree with the authors—it is worthwhile in setting the relationship on a firm foundation for success.
I highly recommend the book to both professional and consumer audiences. I will personally add it to my list of recommended books for my college students.
As a parish pastor I always give gift books on marriage to my wedding couples. I also gift couples who are at various stages of married life and who are being challenged with certain issues in their marriages. Thus, I keep my eyes open to new books which are up to date, practical and easy to read. Mastering Marriage will now be on my resource and gift list. I appreciate the Brown's honesty about their own journey which encourages a foundation of hope for other couples. The read truely is easy, understandable and practical. I also enjoyed the cartoons with a message that began each chapter. They are a "soft start up" that entices the reader to continue reading. And, I enjoyed the personal quotes from others who have insights about marriage. The famous and not-so-famous all have something in common within our marriages.
Thank you for your efforts to help our country's marriages. Dean Natterstad
Rev. Dean M. Natterstad, M.Ed., M.Div, Clinical Member AAMFT
Mastering Marriage Book Review
I must admit that when I first started reading Mastering Marriage, I was annoyed by what I perceived as its preachy approach and the arrogance of the authors in believing that what works for them should work for everyone. "You’re going to be so happy you picked up this book", it proclaimed, implying that a couple’s most deeply entrenched problems could go away if only they followed in this couples’ footsteps. As a therapist and psychologist in training who emphasizes couples work, I have read many excellent books about marriage, and I tend to personally value those focused on sound research. I know that repairing a troubled marriage can be very difficult, and doesn't always boil down neatly to applying a few new marital techniques. Also, with so many books out there, I wondered what new insights these authors could bring to the field.
As I continued to read, I gained greater respect for the wisdom contained in this book. True, some of the advice continued to strike me as overly simplistic, and my biggest ongoing critique was that many of the tips and tools seemed tailored to the personalities of the authors and the way they had structured their marriage. I have personally been married for 15 years, and my husband and I have established many ways of handling problems and situations that work well for us, but I know that these solutions won’t always apply to another couple. Nevertheless, there were many ideas presented in the book that are more readily generalizable and, if applied, would provide a solid foundation for marital happiness. A few of these are ideas that I have never seen directly discussed in any book on marriage. The best example of this was the chapter "Trading Faces", which advocates continuing to be, when married, the person you presented yourself as while dating. How many marriages could be improved if people would follow this advice? Too often couples put on a show throughout courtship, only to be hurt or surprised when their partners do not wholly embrace the "real" them once they have reverted back to their true selves. Michaels and Brown discuss throughout the book the importance of genuineness and really getting to know one another before marriage, which is, I agree, essential to a happy union. But the concept I particularly valued was the idea that couples owe one another fidelity, honesty, and fairness, and that it is not fair to pretend to be something you’re not and then refuse to be that person after marriage. This was, for me, the most profound insight of the book, and I can’t remember ever seeing it in writing before Mastering Marriage.
As I read, I also gained appreciation for the accessible style in which Mastering Marriage is written. Whereas clients might be disinclined to wade through the verbose, research-oriented tomes that I enjoy as a therapist, anyone could grasp the concepts presented by Michaels and Brown. Chapters were extremely short, often no more than a couple of pages, and the counsel presented was straight-forward and well-illustrated with powerful personal examples. Using the first part of the book, a couple could easily work on changing one small thing at a time. This would help them circumvent the discouragement that people often feel when they learn all they are doing wrong and believe they must overhaul their entire relationship to be happy. Many of these small changes could have significant positive effects on marital quality. The last section of the book is devoted to creating a marriage pact, and this would certainly be much more time consuming and difficult to apply. For a couple willing to put in the work, however, it would no doubt be useful. I found that section particularly beneficial for couples contemplating marriage.
Finally, I appreciated the authors’ motivation for writing the book. They seem genuinely interested in helping couples, which no doubt accounts for their dogmatism in wanting people to apply what has worked for them. They offer the complete text of the book free of charge on their website, and offer many other resources for couples as well. It was obvious while reading the book that it was a labor of love, not motivated by profit, which helped the reader feel more deeply connected with the ideas of the book. It often felt as I was reading that Michaels and Brown were interested in me personally. In contrast with the unstable and tumultuous state of many modern marriages, it was refreshing to read the stories of a couple who are truly happy together, and just want everyone else to have what they have. I hope that, after reading and applying Mastering Marriage, a few more will.
Heather Smith, M.S.
Therapist; Doctoral candidate in Counseling Psychology
Brighton, Colorado
posted by Charlie and Mike at 3:35 PM
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